The 24 Days of Xmas
Below you’ll find two stories from a new zine by Kevin Sampsell. The 24 Days of Xmas is out this month from Future Tense Books. Best enjoyed with a mug of spiked egg nog.
Depressed Christmases Past
We stuck our tongues out when it snowed that mid-December day. It tasted like fresh ice with a hint of spearmint. We escaped, carrying spears and emboldened by wit, into a nearby forest. A furry, crouched creature with enormous hooves was watching us from behind a tree. We recognized him as the Demon of Depressed-Christmases-Past. It was the Dallas Cowboys football helmet that gave him away. We stuck our tongues out for more snow and chased him away, our spears like sleek batons in our hands. He fled from the joy in our faces. His depression was useless.
Fun Christmas Facts
• People ask Rudolph for his autograph all the time, but he can’t sign anything. He has no thumbs.
• Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus often go to gay bars but no one ever recognizes them. They don’t do this for anonymity though. They do it because they’re alcoholics who happen to be gay.
• The earliest gingerbread houses were made from asbestos.
• The first leader of the elf’s union was Lil’ Sparkle Martinelli who was heir to the Martinelli Sparkling Cider fortune until he was found dead in the trunk of a broken-down sleigh. An anti-union elf named Ho-Ho Jingles was sentenced to life in prison for his murder.
• The original colors of Christmas were black and gray.
• It’s bad luck to eat hot dogs on Christmas.
• If your chimney is too small for Santa to enter your home, you must leave a key to the front door under that inconspicuous rock on your steps.
• Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was born on Christmas. He is most famous for playing the role of Santa in the French Canadian movie, Mauvais Père Noël (Bad Santa).
• Ho-Ho Jingles escaped from prison in 1996, but was apprehended when a grandmother in Ohio spotted him at a laundromat and trapped him in a dryer.
Kevin Sampsell is a writer, publisher (Future Tense Books), collage artist, and bookseller living in Portland, Oregon. His latest book is Sean the Stick, a collaboration with Emma Jon-Michael Frank.
Illustration: Katie Price
More Web Exclusives